“In order to separate yourself you must first be yourself”
I wrote that in my notebook 25 years ago while attending Seattle Bible College. As most young men, I was trying to find my place in this world. Searching for answers to what laid in front of me. Who did I want to be? Where would I go? How did I want to be remembered? And most importantly, who was I? Little did I know at the time that the journey was so unpredictable that there was only one thing you could ever do and have assurity in these things, be yourself.
The life that landed me in Seattle was all too surreal itself. It was never on my radar until a few months before I made the move. Growing up in West Texas, Amarillo to be exact, I was somewhat sheltered from the views of the rest of the country. The “Bible Belt” is a real thing and an oasis set aside from many of life’s harsh realities. Sunday church and church camp were the norm. It was at my first church camp at 10 years old that I gave my life to Jesus. I felt something change that day. I would say it was my first encounter with feeling the Lord’s presence. I was baptized shortly after camp and was seeing things differently. It was good.
Like most children, I had an innocence about me. Not knowing that spiritual forces don’t care much for a life dedicated to the Creator. So, as I have seen with many through the years, that commitment to faith can fade away, usually gradually, after the impacting moment of salvation. If you knew upfront where that gradual slide would lead, you would never take the bait. That is the power of deception, it gently caresses you into its path, patiently allowing you to slowly slip away.
By Junior High I had discovered alcohol. Nothing more than an occasional run in sneaking liquor from friends parents bars late at night. But it was seductive to me. The normal cares of a teenage boy seemed to fade away, even if only for a night. As I entered High School it was more readily accepted to drink. I certainly felt more at ease with it and had the security of others around me. It was starting to become more evident to me, even at that young age, that I thought differently about alcohol than my friends. They seemed to view it as a chance to let loose and have a good time. I was using it to become numb. Though I had plenty of good times, I was not the same as the others. This meant something different to me, and I wanted more of it.
Going to college in another city away from an parental controls and my first taste of real freedom was exciting. I decided to go to the University of North Texas, mainly because it was one of only two schools I applied for and was accepted. I had no hesitation or fear. By this time my faith was all but a thing of the past. Though I still would tell you that I was a Believer, I showed no fruits of any walk with Christ. And I was certainly not going to talk about it, no matter what. The world was in front of me, the great unknown, and I was going to see all that it had to offer, at least in my mind. Freedom gave way to heavier drinking and now recreational drug use had entered the fray. I joined a fraternity, but not even that was going to slow down my rush to the bottom, it only fueled it.
My first semester classes were like many others, not knowing what I wanted to do, nor did I care, I took things that I had to, and other things I thought I needed to. English, Communications, Economics, and World History. A light load for most, but way too overwhelming for me and it was just getting in the way of my social and drug life. I was only attending one class regularly by the end of the semester, English, my 8 AM class. I think it made me feel like I was getting back on track by starting my day off in the right direction. But after that class I was off to friends places and the Frat house. I always got high in the morning before I left so the rest of the day was just more of the same. I started to find other drugs that just fueled my numbness. Cocaine, acid, mushrooms, ecstasy and many more. I had no desire to say no, because I was consumed by saying yes.
Sadly I thought I was finding myself through all of this. I had moved my religious perspective to Agnostic. The feeling of being saved was a distant memory, one that I could justify as just being young and naive. I knew more now, and God was no certainty. Never did it cross my mind that I had not been sober a single day in well over a year and the drugs and alcohol in my life were not allowing me to think clearly. But anyone that has ever experienced God work in their life knows, there is nothing He can not turn around. And little did I know, He was about to show me.
It was winter break. Time to head home for the holidays with a semester of college under my belt. Little did my parents know, I had only gone to one class the entire semester, which incidentally I made a B somehow. The rest were incomplete. My tuition money in my account for the next semester was gone. All spent on cocaine, alcohol, and various other numbing agents. Long hair, eyes with dark circles sunken back in my head, and no idea how really lost I was. Things were about to change. Not that I wanted them to, but He had other plans.
Some friends were throwing a party during the break, one of many I had attended while in town, but this one would be different. I was sitting at a dining room table and a guy I knew only in passing was sitting at the table with me. Somehow the subject of God came up. Being newly agnostic and filled with all the thoughts in my head that had led me to that conclusion, I was happy to discuss my position. John, was his name, and he was telling me he was a believer in Jesus. How naive. I threw every argument my limited education on the subject could throw at him and he seemed to have an answer for everything. Dinosaurs, evolution, Adam and Eve, aliens, it didn’t matter, he had an answer. Now, this didn’t change me, but it sure got me thinking. Actually, it was all I could think about until it was time to head back to school. This was disrupting my numbness and making me extremely uncomfortable with my positions. And going back to North Texas was only going to prove things were never going to be the same.
Please come back for Part 2: Spiritual Awakening